Insomnia

Sunday, March 18, 2007
Current mood: lonely

Miljaarde, miljaarde, miljaarde!!!!
Voila, glad to get that off my chest. That was a bit of gratuitious cursing, Flemish style.

Readers, I'm suffering from insomnia. Again.
Oh, yes, I have tablets but I don't like taking them. And yesterday evening I reverted to emptying a bottle of French grape juice... after which loud music and dancing in the living room ensued! Sometimes it is good to be home alone.
My imaginary friend (Stan) thought I was behaving rather silly: trying on all my shoes, dancing to my top tunes. Have I told you about Stan?
He's lovely, I'd marry him tomorrow: he likes my shoes and sparkly dresses, has impeccable manners and taste, looks a bit like George Clooney (of course) and has the wackiest sense of humour. Come to think of it: probably gay... He's also a bit difficult to go out with, on account of being wholly unsubstantial. A cheap date, quoi? On the plus side he ALWAYS agrees with me.
Where was I?
I've been in floods of self pity this week. Everywhere I look I see cosy couples holding hands and canoodling. Everywhere! And then there's me, with Stan.
See, it could be worse; I could be really lonely.
This internet dating malark is not going terribly well by the way. And I do worry about meeting someone new: will it ever happen again? Women of 44 don't come top of the heap in the desire-able department. Not if one isn't rich or stunningly beautiful... somewhat lacking in those departments. New singles of my own age want to date younger fluff anyway and I'm a wrinkle or two beyond that too. If I take a leaf out of ExBoy's book, I should be looking at 64 year olds. Christ, now that's a depressing thought. I do apologize to any pensioners but I guess I show to be a bit of an agist there. I just can't see myself polishing a walking frame; let alone... That's my shallow inner bitch talking.

I really feel like I'm going to waste. Only lover I have needs (rechargeable) batteries and definitely doesn't hug me back. Just a little bit sad really.
Maybe Old Flame could be tempted? I know I am but then I always carried that torch. But, and this is the million euro question, do I really want to go there? My Old Flame is gorgeous; I'd even drop Mr. Clooney for that one. He's also the eternal bachelor boy, still lives at his mum's back in the old country. I have known him for 15 years now and he still rocks my boat. We met up in December just before I returned to Blighty in the new year.
Pfwoar! I'm telling you now if someone could have convinced me staying was a good idea, it was him. But... it never happened, not 15 years ago and not now; so most probably it never will. He does keep in touch though, the swine.
Come to think of it, my Stan is completely modelled on him.

I think I'm going mad. Where are those tablets?