Cornered and squeezed

Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Current mood: crappy

Bonjours to all my faithfuls and new applicants,

Peace returns to Duck Towers.
ExBoy's lovely mum will be going back to her sunny climes after a 2 weeks stay to celebrate her and some of her 5 sisters' birthdays. I am so glad that we never fell out over the whole sordid affair. After all, we are talking about her precious boy and I do try to respect that. Of course it does help that she went through exactly the same with ExBoy's dad.
But...3 days ago I got collared by one of the aunties.
As you know, in every coven there is always the Evil one, isn't there? This one has the most poisonous tongue ever, and always in a deceiving polite-ish way seeking approval for every word she utters. Oh, the deviousness of the woman. She will smile in your face and drag you through the gutter as soon as you have turned your back. I've seen her do it to many other people, amongst whom some of her own sisters. I guess she decided to put her oar in our situation now...
"Now, dear, how are you? And how are things at home with (ExBoy)?"
Upon which I told her that I didn't see much of him but things were sort of cold but civilised.
"Ah now, dear, don't you think he looks a bit scruffy, almost like... well, I suppose like a homeless person?"
-temperature drop to frosty- I could already sense where this was going...
She was outrageously suggesting that he stays with the Slapper on his off shift days because I am preventing him from using His Own Home – "because it IS his home, dear!"
I nearly screamed that it had been mine for the last 9 years as well although my name wasn't on the deeds. Suffice to say, hurt pride and anger about her butting in like that surged through me, and pain… How dare she even suggest I am taking advantage of the situation! After all, we might not have been married but I was always assured that was a mere formality.
"Ah yes, but you weren't, dear."
I wish I could stay calm and composed but it's quite upsetting to have fingers pointing at you when you aren't to blame for the whole shitty affair. I couldn't escape; I was cornered and she was determined. Evil, evil, evil old fat poisonous bat!
I wonder how she would talk about the man who did the same thing to her granddaughter, probably curse him and laden him with all the fucking sins in hell. I have never felt this lonely. They are casting me out. There it was, suddenly you are the odd one out. When I mentioned that my parents wanted me to return, she said simply "Why don't you do that, dear?" in a tone that could have sliced a brick. Also mark the subtle use of the word "dear"...

Why should I?
Why should I just go away and hand it to him on a plate? Why does he get away with treating me like a short term girlfriend? Like a piece of dog doo you scrape off.
Anyway, yesterday he came around in the evening as it was his mum's last evening. And she sat us down and tried to act as intermediate: we needed to talk. Well...
I know now that I let myself go!
He said he discretely suggested that I should have lost weight (News to me, I gained some after my second IVF, size 12 at max... hardly a hippo, no?), the knickers issue again,... In short: I was not making any effort to keep his attention and we were living like brother and sister and he felt he was too young for that. That's alright then, isn't it? Enough reason to just go and grab a younger model as the older doesn't fulfil the requirements anymore.
He then continues to say that he still loves me? See, I don't get that... I thought love was somewhat deeper than your clothes' number or the size of your smalls. Run this by me: I have to keep his attention going like it's a one way thing? And keep myself in the state we met, regardless of aging or treatment. So he could get fat and bald and that would allow me to cop off with a younger man?
I don't bloody think so somehow.
Listen, I'll be the first one to admit we were in a bit of a rut; a certain ennui does kick in after you know every in and out before it's even out but it was the same for me, and I never took off with someone else, did I?
He did it because he could! Because the opportunity presented itself and he took it. And he then managed single-handed, with the lying and deceiving and yoyo-ing afterwards, to blow up everything that was left. He is a liar and a cheat and there really are no two ways about that.
All I want is for him to realise that and to take his responsibility and show me the respect he says he has for me. Not to put the knife in and twist it.
Push all my insecurity buttons at once; why don't you, see if I self destruct…

His mum was a star, trying to keep from siding, somehow I still felt in the minority. Unfair, but I guess that is the way of the world. Onwards and upwards.
Since I'm on my own again in the flat formerly known as home, I will now put on my purple platform boots, a filthy gay outfit and sing at the top of my voice "Once I was afraid, I was petrified,……I will survi-i-ive!"
Oh yeah!

To avoid trouble with the neighbours I'll just bleach my hair me thinks. And I need a cuddle... Please?... Anyone?

Currently listening: I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor