Melancholic Murderous Minx gazes navel again...

Sunday, December 16, 2007
Current mood: sad

Shivering me timbers, mateys!
If I were in the possessions of such delights, my sweetbreads would be freezing off as we speak...

Just went for my Sunday Times, as one does on the day of the Lord and it is rather nippy out there. It looks splendidly sunny from indoors: blue tits turning over leaves on the lawn of Duck Towers searching for food, the little wren hopping up and down the fence, a robin making a hell of a racket and I even spotted a couple of finches this morning... Must be the bird feeder table next door! Jolly nice as long as Freddy and his squirrel bunch don't raid it.
He's well handsome, our Freddy, bit of a redhead and temperamental with it and all. Last week had him running around like a (ahum) squirrel possessed! Or he might have picked up a discarded XTC tablet: raving bonkers he went... very amusing. Passersby stopped and pointed into the grounds where he was putting on quite a show, a bit like the original Freddy M. from Queen then.

How's you all, my Friendly Horde?
Are you as fed up with the run up to day X as moi? Hoho-bloody - ho! I have just made a very sick Xmas card and that cheered me up no end!!! Burned it onto CD and will see if I can get it printed tomorrow. I am chuckling as we speak, wondering what the good man in the print shop will think.
I shall rehearse my most manic look.

I did tell you about storming out of the Virgin shop, did I? Noddy Holder, screaming about the delights of Christmas does that to me and a raging underlaying anger with ExBoy. For a nano second, I looked into the mind set of your average mass murder, you know the one that goes on a rampage through schools, and I understood... Mind you, my weapon to hand was a rather lovely new set of saucy lingery, (black, frilly and red satin ribbons galore since you ask) - I doubt if it would've been quite as effective as a semi-automatic fire cracker.
Apart from slowly turning into Murderous Minx (huh, in my dreams) I am also deeply Melancholic... It's that time of the year for reflection, innit? Every waking hour I'm reminded of the Failure.
All I can see is couples, hand in hand or not, making big and small decisions together: what to get auntie X for Christmas, where to hang that decoration, what to have for dinner,...
A year and a half ago, I believed myself to be part of that coupled up group.
And now, there's phantom pain. It hurts the most when I see older couples, helping eachother with little infirmities, that almost symbiotic bond they seem to have. That cuts the deepest in an almost physical and soul destroying way.
My inner dr. Freud tells me situation as it stands, taps into the deepest rooted instincts: sexuality, aggression and the need for belonging. I gave a man 12 of my prime years as a woman, with total commitment, only to bediscarded for a 20 year younger bit of scruff like I was of no importance whatsoever beause of...of what?
Oh yes, having knickers that Bridget Jones would be ashamed about... and being overweight (seize 12 tops)... and things got a bit boring...
All perfectly good reasons for divorce, of course! Ask any lawyer... if only we had been married. And that's the thing: I have nothing to show for it apart from some serious scars - and they are serious, believe me! Yet I am expected to scram, move on, take it on the chin like a man.
WTF! I'm digging my highest heels in for some serious grip: 1. I am NOT responsable for this situation, 2. I was told I could have all the time I needed to sort myself out (have it in writing even) 3. If no SUITABLE alternative is provided by Himbo, I WILL take my time as I don't see why I should accommodate the perp.
Ah, you twigged I had another run in with ExBoy? I am sick to the core that he tries to turn me into the Wicked Witch. Believe me, if I had the chance I'd be out here like a shot. Just can't afford to rent anything more than a broom cupboard on top of the studio (no, can't go and live there)... So what to do with all my stuff, just leave it with him? So he and SlapperGirl can enjoy it?
Eff off!
I normally do my crying in the shower, sort of in tradition with the Everly Brothers' song but yesterday he caught me unawares. On top of the Christmas blues, as well. Something went "sproing" inside, me hartees, and I had a blubber on the phone to my sis and a dear friend later on. It calmed me down a bit. Still had a godawfull night of insomniac half dreams. I am so tired and so sick of it all!
Thank you, to all of you who offered help, kind words, shoulders, shelter and hugs... you kept me going.
I never forget kindness. Now all I want is to curl up in a little ball and wait until the bad vibes go away. They will, I know. Until then I reserve the right to be unsociable... need a bit of healing time. So please don't be offended if I decline an invitation, it's not that I don't like you.
Au revoir, mes choux, a bientot.

I am counting the days until I go to my silly little country for a wedding and the New Year festivities. Glad to see some people are not afraid of commitments. xxx